1) i am so disenchanted at the moment with love—but more accurately relationships. i’m tired of all the complicated situations that i’ve chosen to deal with over the past year so I’m gonna step out of the game and focus on improving my mind for awhile. that’s the plan at least.
2) even if i’m not happy, i want you to be happy. and in actuality i’m very happy—with my life, my friends, my future.. I’m happy. so that means that even though my feelings are a little convoluted at the end of the day I should (and I absolutely do!) want what’s best for you. i really do want things to work out for you—I want for you to be happy, whether I’m a part of that happiness or not.
3) i forgot my next point because i have hangover brain so im going to sleep now baiz.
We must roll up our sleeves and start doing the hard work of learning how to work through conflict, pain and hurt as if our lives depended on it—because they do. We have to learn how to have hard conversations and get skilled at talking about and dealing with shame, guilt, trauma, hurt, and anger. That’s the kind of skills building and workshops that I want to see at conferences! And not some new-aged privileged imperialist, “let’s go to India and get healed and work on our relationship disconnected from the rest of the world and injustice.” But rather, we are doing this in service of liberation because our movements, organizations, groups and communities are imploding from the inside. People get into fights and then we never see them in the same room again; most of our non-profits feel more like corporations with CEOs and dictatorships; break-ups divide entire queer communities or people are exiled or leave and never heard from again; activists are burning out or being traumatized by the very movements that seek to end trauma; campaigns fail because we don’t know how to listen and work together, so instead of coalitions, we have turf wars and undermine each other for next year’s grant that barley pays the bills.
We must work to transform our selves, each other and the systems we’re up against. The task in front of us is to learn how to value and practice individual, collective and systematic change together. There is no other choice. Someone once said, “ community is taking responsibility for the relationships in the group.” What if we moved from that place? What if we understood each other as our collective responsibility? What if we understood that we are all interconnected and what harms you will impact me—and THIS is why addressing power and privilege are so vital?
might have been wiser than the 22-year old version of myself. It’s funny—reading this, I’m not sure if I’ve taken my lessons learned to heart. I know that I love a lot differently than I did 4 years ago, but I still find myself loving so fully that it gets in the way of my own well being.
But one of the good things I’ve held onto throughout all the years of love and breakups and endings—even if it takes time, I always come to the conclusion that memories made are never a waste of time.
”All I knew was that I loved you—and I didn’t understand how that love just disappeared. I kept telling myself that this meant that everything we’d been through was a lie, everything I once felt was under false pretenses… And this is what kept me from moving on. This is what kept me running in circles, recalling old fights, reminiscing about the times when we were happy, and above all, missing everything about you.
Although that may be true—maybe everything was a result of naïve teenage love—I have formed my final thoughts on love, relationships, and you.
We may never get back to where we were—I may never feel your touch again. However, I am not going to let present circumstances taint my memories with you… Although I will not love you anymore, I will love, with all of my heart, the beauty of our past together. That will be enough.”
“Overall, this is a powerful and thoughtful essay. A pure joy to read! Thank you for your expert analysis here. And thank you, Kat, for your heartfelt participation throughout the semester. I am incredibly lucky to have had you in the class. We all learned much from your insightful perspectives about the texts and issues ranging from colonialism to non-governmental organizations to war. Oftentimes when you spoke I mistook you for a grad student—you are so articulate and knowledgeable! And you have a broad and firm grasp upon complex issues. I foresee a great future ahead of you, Kat! Please let me know how things are going and should you ever need a letter of rec shoot me an email.”
I honestly can’t even believe that a professor that I respect and admire so much has such great things to say about me. I definitely know that I should have put in even more work into this class and into my classwork in general, which makes me believe that if I devoted all my energy to my studies, I could actually maybe be someone I’m proud of. Even this, though. To be told that I could be mistaken for a grad student—it just made my day. I have to strive to be greater.
I used to hate when people said that they were “made to be greater,” but more and more, I’m understanding the sentiment. I have been given so many chances and opportunities in both life and education that I really need to embrace during my last semester at USC. made to be greater. I’m going to tell myself that every day during this soul-searching summer. because I can feel it—I could really be someone that I’m happy with. I just need to put in that extra effort and push myself to be better, even when life is weighing down on me..
these days, all I feel is—I KNOW I’M NOT RELIGIOUS BUT—blessed, happy, and thankful. I need to hold on to these sentiments so that I’ll stop focusing on the trivial things and really devote my time and energy to what will really matter to me in the long run.
okay, end rant on my life. pz outz.